Something's been wrong with me lately, God. Definitely wrong. Oh, I'm not sick, or running from the police. Nothing like that. It's not something on the outside that's been wrong.
It's my inside--my spirit.
Something has been gnawing away at my spirit for two or three weeks and I've been unable to identify it. But I could feel it and see it in my relationships with other people. I could see my nasty attitude. I could feel my irritation with life in general.
Unable, that is, until I became desperate enough to throw my heart wide open and ask You to reveal it to me.
Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting. (Psalm 139:23-24)
Once I reached the point of realizing how needy I was, You supplied my need. You and I, alone, in my office. Me, begging to know what in the world had me so grumpy. And You, placing Your finger on the exact thing in my life.
Me, frightened of the shadows threatening to swallow me whole. You, shining Your light into the dark corners of my heart.
There it was. An ugly thing I thought I had dealt with years ago. It has been silent in my life such a long time. But it was still there. Lurking. Waiting for just the right thing to trigger it again. In Your light it was glaring, and so was the event that had triggered it.
"How could I have been so blind to this, God? Forgive me."
Before the final word slipped through my lips, You did.
Then came the peace. For the first time in weeks, peace.
"Peace! Peace! wonderful peace,
Coming down from the Father above;
Sweep over my spirit forever I pray,
In fathomless billows of love." ("Wonderful Peace" by W.D. Cornell & W.G. Cooper 1889)
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