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Thursday, October 2, 2008

Going Under


Yesterday was a tough day for me, Lord. A migraine actually woke me up at 6:00 a.m. And it hung on most of the day. I'm grateful that I don't get them very often anymore, but this one was just part of a rough day.

I think my emotions were right on the surface all day long. The death of J.'s niece threw me for a loop, Lord. I know now that it tossed me back into the waves of grief I felt when our Stephen died. And it took me a while to realize that I was going under. Then, the migraine came. Then, C. called and told us that J.'s sister (the grieving mom) received a diagnosis of breast cancer - TODAY. My heart broke for her, but at the same time I felt like I was sliding into a dark hole.

By 1:00 I could hear You whispering to me, "E-mail the women in your Life Group. They are your prayer support. E-mail them. Ask them to stop and pray for you."

I heard You loud and clear, but I resisted. I tell myself I don't want to bother other people with MY needs; they have enough of their own to pray about. But, the truth is, it's that "living transparently" thing again. It's living in community that I find difficult. I keep sliding my little black mask over my eyes, donning my white 10-gallon hat, and trying to be the "Lone Ranger."

I had an extremely important appointment at 3:00. The pressure was rising. I started crying and couldn't stop. Will I ever learn to obey the first time You speak?

So, around 2:00 I relented. I surrendered. I let go of trying to handle it all myself. I e-mailed those sweet ladies who love me and pray for me. Then I shut the door of my office & fell into Your arms. Moments after I hit SEND I felt the relief. I felt Your arms holding me up, carrying me over the waves of despair.


My precious Little One, sometimes you are so very slow to learn. Which do you suppose it was that made the difference-their prayers, or your surrender? Or both?

If you would let Me, I'd lift you and carry you over so many more stormy seas. Quit slapping at the waves. Quit kicking and fighting. Lay back, relax, surrender. I'm holding on tight to you and I'm never going to let you go under.